Black Dog

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to leave you so long or make you feel deserted. It just happened. I apologise.

Last time I wrote, I was in Australia. I was dreading leaving one home but excited to get back to reality. Now I’m not so excited. The job scene isn’t hot (long story short: worst interview ever), it’s so cold I feel like I live in an Igloo, I miss my family like crazy and I finally realized that even though I love London, my real home is in Australia, with my family.

There have been tears almost every day. There have been stupid arguments and decisions to plan ahead but I just don’t want to. I want to go home right now. I know it’s selfish to expect him to pick up his happy life and everything that he holds dear to him but I know that those three months of happiness, comfort and being able to spend time with the ones I love were the reason why I didn’t need to take my antidepressants and the moment I felt I had finally kicked that black dog right out of the door.

Decisions have to be made. It’s just a shame they are the ridiculously hard ones.

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I’m on “Happy Pills” and they make me function like a normal woman and not like a banshee from outer space. It’s really important that I remember to take them every day, because the banshee likes to turn up at random moments and usually, it’s around the time I’ve got important things to do, like call my husband or attend job interviews. Thankfully for prospective interviewers, the banshee hasn’t actually turned up at an interview, she just likes to sit in my head and make me doubt my self-worth whilst I’m on my way to the building, because she’s such a nice banshee like that.

On Tuesday last week, I lost my packet. I thought I had left it in the fruit bowl, but my Mum had moved them into my handbag because she didn’t want to confuse them with her tablets (which are not happy ones – she is already happy enough). So as they say, out of sight, out of mind – I just plain forgot to take my tablets for three whole days.

I never like to admit that my husband is right – but I have to admit, my husband is right. When I don’t take my tablets, bad things happen. Like how I couldn’t sleep properly for two days and even now I still can’t get to sleep until late in the night. Getting the shakes is fun too, especially when they’re combined with that nervous sensation in my stomach that signals an imminent anxiety attack.

So I’ve re-set the diary reminder in my phone for 9am every day and I’m not ignoring it this time – my pills are on my side table and there’s a bottle of water there too. No excuses!

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